May Day! May Day!…. This is the cook of HMS Brexit are you receiving over.

Is there anybody out there who knows what’s going on? We have lost our rudder, our mast is down and we are drifting uncontrollably. We have no Commanding Officer; repeat we are leaderless…May Day! May Day!

We set course for the Chequers Isles on July 6 2018 but with insufficient supplies of food, medicines and fuel onboard our Commanding Officer ignored our pleas to change course. Fletcher Johnson led a mutiny on the 9 July and along with Commander Mogson and several of our officers and crew put to sea in an open vessel later that morning. They were heading for the Free Trade Isles; but our last contact with them was confusing – they seemed incoherent.

The remaining crew and I became more and more concerned for our Skipper ‘Mayflower Bligh’ who is obsessed with the new world. She locked herself in her quarters and became fixated; arguing about our original course on the ship to shore radio, with anyone who would listen.

We had arranged a showdown this weekend but this morning she shouted “The Chequers Isles at all costs… God Save the Queen and Country” and promptly jumped overboard and swam alone into the distance.

With no clear leadership (the remaining officers, led by ‘Double Turn Davis’ are constantly quarrelling) we became lost and some of the crew set the ship’s course for the Norwegian Coast. Now a second mutiny looks likely as some of the more aggressive crew want to set a course for Canada or the Plusplus Islands.

To compound matters there is pirate vessel named ‘The Mayhem’ tailing us flying the ‘Peoples Flag’ and threatening to scuttle the ship. They have sent word that they will tax the vessel’s contents before handing command to the ‘Abbott’. We fear that she will drive the ship off the edge of the world.

May Day! May Day!…. This is HMS Brexit. We are fearful that without a new leader we will be at the merciless hands of these saboteurs and drift uncontrollably towards the European coastline by November.

We require urgent assistance. Please send a party to locate our Skipper and bring the mutinous officers back to ship before all is lost.

May Day! May Day!…. This is HMS Brexit do you hear us.